Clinic Update..

I'm gonna be that middle one.

The criticism-fearing 12 year old in me is constantly slightly afraid to go to the clinic because I'm always imaging them yelling at me for not journaling every single day or for having gained a pound or two. This is ridiculous for two reasons: 1) so far I haven't had any gains, but fairly steady and consistent losses and 2) they don't DO that.

These people are nice! They don't yell at me! They don't judge or sneer at my comments or ideas! They don't ground me for not cleaning my room or pinching my sister or not eating my vegetables or giving them the finger that one time when I was 16 in my bedroom when my shadow on the hallway wall gave me away...

Oh god, I think I have mommy issues.

Regardless, I had a clinic visit the other day and despite my catastro-fantasizing - it went very well and no one yelled at me. In fact it went so well that I didn't need to book a follow-up appointment with my nutritionist and my only existing visits are to see my psychologist for a one-on-one after having completed the "Emotional Eaters" group and.. drumroll please...

A surgical referral appointment that is booked for April 11th!

This is exciting news because it means that big things are on the horizon for this soon-to-be-little(r) girl! This appointment will determine whether the clinic deems me ready to be referred to a surgeon so you can see that it is a big step. A big, exciting, scary, awesome step.

My boyfriend and sister are extremely supportive. I chose to tell my Mom that I could be having surgery and after a few seconds of what I can only imagine was her attempting to speak through brain aneurysm.. I just hung up. Maybe she will come around at some point, but now is not the time to focus on that. Instead I'll lean a little on those who are supportive and happy for me and in that I will find the courage and strength to make this work and be unafraid.

:D

-J. xx

Small victories..

I have one thing to say to the stupid chocolate bar my boyfriend left in the freezer:

Temptation was high and the water was rough but rationality prevailed this time and one bite was where it ended. I think that's a big, enthusiastic "Fuck You" headed in your direction you sugary hunk of regret. lol.

It's also a twin pack where you get two regular sized bars in one package so I feel like this was a double whammy of good judgement here right before bed. Let it be known that my boyfriend is wonderfully supportive of my efforts and that this sort of thing isn't left around the house to lure me this way and that; however a true testament to how far I've come is that the bars still EXIST in near full form and aren't BOTH completely gone like would have happened before.

Lesson Learned: I have the ability to resist and overcome compulsions and cravings.
New Goal in Light of Experience: Sugar-free day tomorrow.

-J. xx

We already know each other..

I suppose that's the nature of recognizing likeness, isn't it: The similarity in us all that screams, "Someone gets it!" when we read these blogs and meet these new stranger-people who know us so well that they can seemingly read our thoughts. It is so damn satisfying and inspiring to know that someone else is working so hard to simply achieve health and wellness - and yet amazing that we all experience a somewhat universal struggle.

A real sense of community has grown among us: I have met countless people through the clinic whether it be in the waiting room bitching about parking or the weather, the support groups where we all tell white lies until comfort settles in and we begin to dump out the real deal and bond over our disasters, or hoofing it up the stairs to an appointment where we're about to find out that we hit a new loss goal and can high five on the way out. And then.. I just don't see them again and I wish that were different. And that's why I'm doing this now.

It's a beautiful concept when you think about it. All of us are going through the same things, why wouldn't we lean on each other in the process?

Welcome to my blog! I'm J.L. and I hope you stick around for the long haul.

-J. xx